Drowning in "Should"

Here I am, already struggling to think of something to say. Something that’s honest but new. Something that’ll stand above in an endless sea of voices drowning me out.

Even as I write this I can’t help but feel cliched and contrived.

It’s impractical. It’s illogical. It’s paralyzing.

In reality, it’s likely no one will ever read this. I'll be the only one who even knows it's here. I started this blog as a way to build SEO experience and to practice my writing, which I have sorely missed, and I knew that I wouldn’t be heard. There’re so many blogs, so many people, so many points of view. Why does mine matter? I suppose it matters to me.

My whole life I’ve felt like my story isn’t much worth telling - an average person, in an average field, in an average community. Any “outstanding” traits or stories are often exaggerated, to the point where even I sometimes believe them. But it’s just lies; white lies, maybe, but lies.

Existential dread, a feeling that in the unending universe you’re merely a speck soon forgotten. A feeling I've become unfortunately familiar with.

There’s an emptiness, a void in my chest just below my breastbone, in the space where my ribs connect, one that I don’t always remember is there. When I do remember, I’m numb. I know I should care, I know I should want to want more, I know I should reach to be better, to be brighter, to be known. I don’t. I like to call it content, but it’s stagnant. I say I’m working on change, but am I really putting my best effort in?

My therapist tells me I’ll drown myself in shoulds, and she’s probably right. Slow progress is still progress, she says, and I know, I know that she’s right. I still feel I’ll soon be forgotten.

I don’t know if I want to post this.